lost.

Very recently, I made a pretty big decision in my life.
I decided that I no longer want to be a nurse.

Most of life, I was so sure that I wanted to do something in the medical field. It was a professional department that would always have job security and would earn me a great living. Most of my life, however, I doubted my ability and intelligence. I slacked off in high school, one of my greatest regrets. I didn't care, I did just enough to get by. I was satisfied by mediocrity.

It wasn't until recently that I began to realize that I am more than that. I have just recently begun to believe in myself.

Along with that, I began to realize that the medical field MIGHT not be for me after all.
I had been working as a nursing assistant for a little less than 2 years now, and though it makes a pretty good amount of money for a student like me, it was hell. I hated it. Every moment I was at work, I was thinking about how miserable I was and how badly I wanted to escape. Every time I was scheduled to work, I weighed the possibility of somehow calling out for that day. Though it never happened and I mostly braved through my shifts, it was still terrible. There were rare moments in which I felt like I belonged. Though I was just a nursing ASSISTANT and that doesn't really say much about how being a nurse will be, I began to see that a LOT of people around me wanted to become nurses as well. Sounds rude, but I don't want to BE like ANY of them. I don't see myself in any of their aspirations, I do not share the same wants.
Honestly, I wanted to be a nurse because I knew it made money, it would be a job that would make my parents proud, and people would look to me as if I were intelligent and professional. But did it make ME happy?? Do I even really care??
Yes, I can do the job-- I'll tell you now that I feel confident that I could be a better nurse than many of the ones I met. Yes, I would make a good amount of money doing it, but for the rest of my life??? Can I really submit to that?? I don't think so. I like change. I like variety. And though the nursing field DOES have its challenges and variance in work, it became a blur to me. My days felt wasted and I just wasn't passionate about that line of work. When people asked me why I wanted to be a nurse, I had to lie!!! I really couldn't care any less. At the end of the day, it is a career that provides a desirable salary. But it doesn't make me happy. I felt like I could find happiness elsewhere.

This realization drove me into depression for a while. I've wasted most of my life convincing myself that being a nurse was all I could ever amount to and all that I was allowed to do. Though I'm not "old", I'm getting old with my wasted time. I wasted so much... I knew my parents would be furiously disappointed in me.

Fortunately for me, I was wrong. When I finally mustered up enough courage to tell them, they were very supportive. They told me that no matter what I do, they will help me in anyway that they can, so long as I continue my education and push for a good career that will make me happy and successful in. It was such a breath of fresh air to realize that my parents were okay with my crazy decision. But now that THAT was out of the way, I still had to decide what path I wanted to go down now that nursing was out of the question. My parents pushed me to soon decide.

And here's where I'm at now.

And I'm lost. I'm not sure what I want to do. I am tempted to return to the medical world, but I will have gone against everything that I said to my parents. I only feel like I should return to the health care scene because I am familiar with it. I am familiar with the biological sciences and I feel more accustomed to medical terminology over anything else. But that's because that's all I've ever let myself get used to. Thinking about career options under departments such as business or the arts does not seem like enough. They seem FAR TOO overpopulated in their departments, and far too iffy, in terms of the end job outcome.
In terms of my future career, I think that I want to do something where I have power... as strange and as vague as that sounds. I want to be able to run things and have a say in what is to be done. I've thought about a job in Human Resources, something where I can run things behind the scenes. I like the idea of control. (Does this even make sense???) 

My ULTIMATE dream would be to work in corporate under Disney. Human Resources in Disney??? That would be amazing. Sounds cheesy, but I've passionately loved The Disney Company for.. basically my entire life. I love what they stand for, I love their mission statement, I love everything they're about. I want to be apart of that-- but how? It seems so risky. Most people in Human Resources earn a Masters of Business Administration. I would have to enter Business school, wouldn't I? It is SO against everything I've built myself up to be. And that field is INCREDIBLY competitive!! I'm scared, I'm petrified, really, just thinking about it. Is this the wrong choice? Am I thinking in too much of a carefree manner? Is it too risky??? I feel like the answer to all of this is a clear YES.
But... the end result, against my fears, would be incredible. I would be so happy, it's something I can truly see myself doing and enjoying (for once in my life). But the road leading there... I'm not so sure if it is stable enough. What if I don't make it that far? What's worse is that technically, I'm old. I'm 21, I am on my way to a Bachelor's degree, but I've wasted so much time in school chasing something that I never wanted in the first place. How much more time must I spend getting onto the right track? What new classes must I take to get there? How many more years will I lose to this "dream"? Will I end up in regret AGAIN? My mind and heart were in the wrong place all together. Because the reality of it is that I spent SO MUCH of my damn time in a place I was never meant to be in in the first place. So what now???

I'm lost... I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know if I ever did...