But I feel like I'm going insane.
I have this insane craving
"I want you so badly
I need you, your breath, your touch, your reciprocated desire"
But alas, I can't have you.
I've tried everything to fill this goddamn void, but to no avail.
In fact, it's only getting worse.
It's making me feel like every outcome from here on out pleads to be the same.
I will only meet them once, I will never see them again, the time that intertwines us is meant to be short, all meetings are meant to be short. I've already outlived the quota, so I should be happy that I got that, at least. But I'm not fucking happy. I can't stop comparing myself to the others- why did they get so much more time? Why am I not worthy of more time?? Why, why, why is it always like this? I'm used to this already, I already know what's to come, yet I KEEP FUCKING TRYING because this STUPID tiny piece inside of me will not let go of that minuscule speck of hope. The hope that I will make you want to stay. That you will want me just as I want you. But GOD that is NEVER the case. Never. I went from truly hoping to truly doubting whether or not I'll ever find someone that sees something worth staying for. Or trying for. Or starting for. I wouldn't say I'm the most fond of myself. But I like myself, at least that I can say. I like myself enough to think that I'm a decently cool person, inside and out. Like I do okay, I do pretty good. I can dress well, I have an okay smile, I have a good sense of humor, I'm intelligent and witty, blah blah blah. I feel like my personality is interesting enough. And maybe everyone else does, too. But it's never for long.
God no, it never lasts. I'm not good enough, clearly. I'm not up to par with whatever fun you want to have or whatever lack of relationship you're interested in.
People suck. Men suck. They'll say "I'll call you tonight," and they might mean it in that moment. But they can easily change their mind. They might say sweet things to you that will make you feel like they care. They might say nice things about how you need to come back to check out the rooftop view. Or meaningless things like, "You're gorgeous" or "God, you're sexy". They might say you smell good or that you're the most talented person they've ever met. Or they could whisper to you about how you're cute when you're angry, that you turn them on, that no one compares to you. And sure, you'll feel charmed. You'll feel special and nice and that hey, maybe this guy likes me! But that same look they were giving you can just as easily be averted to the dumb, shapeless blonde outside the bar complimenting him and putting her phone number into his phone. Don't you get it? You're young and so are they. What's the point in trying to find someone worth sticking around for when you have so many viable options to have fun with and then move on? No strings attached, no second dates, no need for labels. They don't need to promise anyone anything, they don't need to live up to any expectations, they don't need to commit.
And that's your problem. You'd love to commit. As fun as it is to take a seat at a randomly packed bar on a Saturday night with tons of men lining up to talk to you or buy you a drink, you'd find it so much more appealing to get to have someone at the end of the day that you can pour all of your love and attention into. How ideal it would be to get to have that, to find happiness by making someone else happy. But you see, life is not that simple. People don't want to be tied down if they know that the next bar could have a few ladies waiting there that could give them the best sex of their lives. Why have just one when you can have fun!? This is clearly not your line of thinking, but it very much seems to be the popular opinion. And I'm sorry that it had to be like this. That they roll over in their sleep and hold you like they actually give a shit, that they say "I want you all the time" as if they meant it, that they kiss you twice before you go because they might miss you. You know that all of that is temporary, you fucking know it. If they can do it to you, they can do it to anyone else. If you can lie to all those men at the bar about your profession and your reason for being alone, then they can lie about enjoying your company. You're stuck in this fairytale where you think that there's actually someone out there that could care about you and be interested in you for more than just physical company! You keep telling yourself that one day, the right one will come along. And by right one, I mean the one that will actually give a fucking shit about you and not up and leave, or suddenly stop taking to you, or only wants to see you on weekends, or wants to take it slower than normal friendships- they'll give a fuck about you and do things to show they fucking want you- Wait, is that what you think happens?? Because let me tell you, I really don't know if such a thing exists. I'm convinced that my texts are no longer allowed to be the last message, that I cannot linger around and place all my cards upright on the table. I've learned to bait them just enough but to play it coy. Does it work? I don't really think so. But it's better to have the upper hand than to lose everything you had by playing fair and honest. Nothing in this world is fair and honest, you idiot. Open your eyes and soak in the fact that there is no Mr. Right, that there won't be someone that wants to hold your hand just because they love you. Everyone wants something and that something will never be just you emotionally or internally. It'll be physically. They all want you physically for at least a small period of time. That's all you're really worth, anyway. A piece of eye candy, the woman of the night to give them attention and make them feel good about themselves. Will they ever want to introduce you to their friends? Maybe. Will you ever see them again- will it mean anything to have met them? No. Will they ever want to tell their Dad about you and have you meet him? God, no!! For whatever reason, no one wants to date you. They just want to play with you. So grab a drink at the bar, play up your sophisticatedly lonely look, draw a few guys over and talk your talk, bat your stupid eyelashes and get them to buy you a fucking drink. Then go the fuck home and do it all over again another time. That's all you fucking get. You're lucky if they ever want to see you again to GET TO KNOW YOU and not tell you how attracted they are to you within the first few drinks. Take what you have and deal with it. Give them nothing more than that. You should start getting comfortable, though, because this is all you'll ever get. Stop the stupid daydreams about how you'll be invited to hang out with him and his friends, about how he'll make you lunch at his place, about going out on romantic dates, about dumb pieces of fucking garbage like how he'll tell you that he wants you to be his girlfriend. PLEASE!! Please, stop fooling yourself into thinking that Mr. Right Now is Mr. Right. Because there is no such fucking guy. I don't care how stable of a job he has, how polite he is to you, how good of a kisser he is, or how nice of a last name he has. Don't be a fucking moron!!! You're never going to get anyone to be genuinely interested in you. No guy will ever actually miss your presence, touch, or voice. You are so easily able to differentiate people and give them all special places in your heart. Everyone else in the world is not as retarded as you are. You are replaceable. And you WILL be replaced. When you're not around, they're already looking for the next one. Give it up, you won't ever find love. You're only destined to receive lust.
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