my little list

I have a sick obsession with several things in regards to myself.
4 things, to be exact.

1. To be seen as beautiful
2. To be thought of as intelligent
3. To be thought of as strong and independent
4. To be cared about and loved 

I never believed that I was beautiful. When I was young, I had short hair and boys never had crushes on me. Boys always had crushes on girls with long hair and a pretty smile, both of which were characteristics that I didn't have. I had a toothy grin and was much more of a tomboy than anything else. I loved to demonstrate how strong I was or how tough I could be. PE was my favorite subject because I could demonstrate to boys and girls alike that I was superior in my athleticism, or at least up to par with the boys. This may be where my competitiveness started to take root. As I grew up, things felt the same. Sure, my hair was longer and all of my teeth had grown in, but I still felt like the same little girl who could only be recognized as one of the boys. I still loved being athletic, still loved video games, and still could run faster than most of the girls (and guys) in my gym classes. Eventually, I began to realize that being tough might not be all that great if guys only liked the girly ones. 

And that's when I went through my "weak" phase. Though I was raised to be very polite and well-mannered, I displayed these traits as if being unruly or rude was something I'd never even witnessed before. I hid my hands behind my back, I spoke softly, I bowed to adults and said my "please" and "thank you"s. I was the good girl. I portrayed myself as weak, fragile, and quiet. Surprisingly, this was the point in my life (high school) where I felt that I got the most attention from boys. People did get crushes on me, people flirted with me, and though I was completely oblivious and denying of it at the time, boys liked me. Why? Because I was suddenly quiet and polite and sweet, just as all "girls" should be?

I may or may not have been seen as beautiful in those times. I may or may not have been seen as intelligent in those times. I definitely was not see as being strong and independent, but I did feel more cared about and loved (by the male gender, anyway). But what did that matter? I was anything but myself. 

I went to South Korea a few years later, realizing that I could somewhat carry a tune. I was entered into a singing competition, but still sold myself short. In front of the cameras, I played up my fragile demeanor. For the live audition, I wore the most conservative dress I've ever owned in my life, along with a pair of stockings because I didn't want to show any form of skin. I did not make it past that round. Partially, I believe it to be because though I was polite and bowed to all the adults, I had no bit of confidence in me. I was so caught up in this image that I wanted to convince myself into becoming that I lost who I was. I wasn't competitive, I wasn't strong, I wasn't ANYTHING. I had been completely sucked into being this... this vessel, a shell of some sort, giving off the vibe that I was the most innocent creature you'd ever met. This ruined me. But at the same time, it made me realize that I needed to stop. I needed to find myself again. 

Nowadays, I still bow to my elders and say "thank you" when appropriate. But I curse like a sailor and show as much sass as I physically can. I walk with my head held high and though I may not feel confident or beautiful or intelligent or strong, or loved all the time, I can pretend.

For almost 2 decades, I failed to believe in or show my abilities. I wanted to be like everyone else, I didn't want to be unique. Being unique made me different and no one liked different. But who actually cares? Who's actually keeping track and taking notice? We all entered this world by birth and we will all exit it by death. If you think about it, we are all so alike. We all have fears and passions and deep, dark secrets. We are all human and we are all swimming in the same ocean. I am not better than you, just as you are not better than the next. We are all equal. Sometimes, I look at my short list of 4 things and wonder to myself, am I crazy for being so obsessed? Am I insane? Am I mentally alright?? I think the answer is, yes. I'm fine. It is natural for people to wonder and hope for these things.

For a large part of my life, I didn't believe that I was capable of the first 2 items on my list. But if I have the ability to tell everyone that I believe in them, their beauty and their mental strengths, why can't I believe in my own? Once upon a time, I was a child that was full of ambition and didn't give two flying fucks what other people thought of me, so long as I was having fun. I didn't really care that I had a toothy grin or short hair until I felt that boys paid more attention to the prettier, fancier girls with long hair and nails. I may not bat my eyelashes as often, but I am deserving of attention and love, too, whether it be from my boyfriend, my parents, or my pet rabbit, Opal. We are each deserving of love and compassion. And we should each be able to share the love and compassion within ourselves with others. I will always fight for the first 2 things on my list, as I have always had troubles with them. That's just how it is. I am learning to increase my confidence and learning to accept myself for who I am. I am try to teach myself that beauty is in everything, because life itself is beautiful. I don't know how much longer I have to live, but I shouldn't be fretting over such petty things forever. I should focus more of my attention into loving others and being accepting towards love. I should be less critical of myself and do what makes my soul happy. We all should.

In the end, I may only have one thing left on my list, #4: To be cared about and loved. I believe that once you are able to give and accept love equally, everything else will fall into place. Life should be spent sharing happiness between our people, not hate-- especially not self-hate. To learn to love ourselves is learning to love everyone else around us and the world in which we live in. And I truly believe that we are all capable of doing this.