For starters, I have a boring life. I go to school and... that's about it. I have no drama, I have no interesting things to talk about. My life is really nothing that I expect people to want to read about. Other than my pet rabbit, Opal, there's nothing that makes me an interesting internet personality. And milking him for all of his cuteness gets old, FAST. I have a feeling that those around me are already sick and tired of hearing about his fat ass. In conclusion, I have one big question: How could I ever get people to be interested in my life when I'm barely interested in it myself??
The truth is, I can't. I can't FORCE anyone to read my blog posts, I can't MAKE people like what I have to say. But what I CAN do is start with myself. I must first learn to change my own outlook on life if I ever expect to make a change in the lives of others.
I have always viewed myself in a very, very negative light. I have never really liked myself, nor have I ever truly believed in my talents. I have always felt that I was a waste of space and that I would never amount to much. Even if I felt strongly about something, even if I wanted to stand up for myself, I never could. I am small and unimportant and all I needed to do to take the attention away from myself was to smile politely act innocent. But this conflicted with me internally. I have a voice, a strong one. I have opinions, but I am afraid of what people will say in regards to them. I felt so lost-- who the hell was I and what in the world do I even stand for?
It wasn't until the past year or so that I began to realize that these habits were stripping me of an identity. I started to notice that some girls around me replicated these same traits to strangers, acting one way to some, and making a complete 180 in the way that they acted towards others. These girls are fake, pretentious, and evil!! But wait... wouldn't that make me the same way?
In reality, they aren't evil at all. We all face our own demons and we must all learn to accept ourselves, flaws and all. Imperfection and complexity is beauty in it of itself. I'm trying to take small steps, like accepting compliments by saying "Thank You," rather than "I don't deserve your kindness". When I put on make up or dress nicely, I do it for my own happiness. I don't need to impress anyone, I just want to feel comfortable in my own damn skin. It's a vexing and confusing journey, however. Some days, I feel selfish. I will feel that I don't deserve to take pictures of myself or go out in public with a nice outfit without first feeling guilt for my actions. I suppose I need to remind myself that I do have the right to be happy, everyone does. Everybody should be able to feel comfortable being who they are and be able to stand their ground because they believe in themselves wholeheartedly.
I want to be that person, I want to be able to feel grounded in my identity. I don't want to be afraid of myself anymore. I used to beat myself up mentally, convincing myself that every compliment ever given to me was out of pity. She said I was pretty because she feels bad for how ugly I truly am. He said I have a great singing voice because he pities me as the worst singer he's ever heard. They told me they admired my strength when really, they were laughing about how weak I am. Now wait a second. THIS statement, above all, is what I know I am not. With all my personal attributes that I waver to believe in, it is my strength that I WILL stand up for. I know that I am strong and I know that I am a fighter, to the very end. I will not give up when I believe in something. Previously, it was fear that overtook me and suppressed me from expressing my own belief in myself. I WANT to be able to believe in myself. I want to believe in my talents and my capabilities, just as I believe in those around me!! I so easily want to encourage those around me to reach their full potential, so why can't I give myself those same pep talks???
I feel most powerful when I am exercising, when I am running. It's silly and strange, but I've always been a pretty good runner and it has been the only one of my traits that I believed in. Even so, as I was growing up, I didn't care to do anything about it. I enjoyed it and it made me happy, it made me feel invincible. But, with all my insecurities, I didn't allow myself to join the track team in any of the schools I attended, even though I desperately wanted to be involved in one. Why? Because I didn't want to know what other people thought of me. I was so afraid, afraid to the point that it paralyzed me. What if I was actually a terrible runner? What if, compared to everyone else, I sucked??! I didn't want to know the outcome. In the end, this negative thinking only hurt me. I never got to experience what it was like to be apart of a team of runners, I never knew what it would have been like to do what I loved with others that loved it just as much. If only I had the ability to stand up for myself back then.
Of course, this has passed. I am older now, but I still enjoy running whenever I work out. No, I might not be the best, I feel damn powerful when I'm doing it and that's all that matters. I feel good and I feel strong, not someone else. I'm bettering my body and my mentality by committing to it. And so, I want to apply this to the rest of myself. I shouldn't be ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I can easily tell a random girl on the street that she is beautiful and that she should believe in herself, but I can't look in the mirror and say the same things, when I should! I should be able to feel powerful and strong, just as I do when I run. Because I AM powerful, and I AM strong.
Of course, I still struggle with believing in myself 100%, as I am still a work in progress. I don't know who I am completely, but I guess that's also why I want to be able to blog. I want to learn about myself. By letting my thoughts out into writing, perhaps I will be able to feel stronger about myself and it will help me to grow. Perhaps I will be able to see my own writing as a reflection of myself and understand that it's okay to believe in my abilities and that I shouldn't feel guilty if I want to like myself. We all should like ourselves, right?
And so, here's to new beginnings. May this new journey allow me to not only learn about myself, but allow me to connect to others that may be struggling with the same problems. We're not alone. This world is vast, but I would love to make it seem smaller by slowing meeting the great people that make up this planet, even if it is through the online world of blogging. I hope that you will be there for me just as much as I would love to be there for you.
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